Jokes from Comedians in the World of Naruto
by Killermaverick
Summary: Yeah, sucky title. Previously known as Dane Cook: Naruto style, but decided to expand with more comedians. I own nothing.
1. Dane Cook: B n' E

MS: Hey guys!! Here's my next fic. This one's got a bit of Dane Cook in it also, so just wait.

Dane Cook: Alright!! I'm in it!!

Jiraiya: Sweet.

MS and Dane Cook: Shut up.

Jiraiya: ( Grumbles.)

MS: Well, enjoy!!

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" Man, what's going on?! I'm sooooo upset for some reason!!" Sasuke said, prancing around his room. Just then, however, he heard a sound, and saw, out the window, a man running from the Ichiraku stand. " STOP THIEF!!!!" Then, it finally hit him. " I finally know what I want to do!!!" Sasuke said. " I'm gonna do a b/e!!!" Suddenly, Itachi came up through the window. " Then go downstairs and make it then, foolish little brother." He then disappeared before Sasuke tried to catch him. " I DON'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT RETARD!!!!" Sasuke yelled out the window. " Hey!! Keep it down!!! I'm tryin' to sleep here!!!" Sasuke then turned around. " However, I should consider that bacon and eggs idea. That's freakin' delicious!" Sasuke said with a bit of drool coming out of his mouth. He then wiped it away. " No, I mean breaking into a freakin' house, and steal crap!!" Sasuke said. He then darted to the phone, and dialed Naruto. " Hey Naruto, listen, we're, uh, goin' on an adventure tonight." _" I don't like YOUR adventures Sasuke. What is it?"_ " Listen, i'm gonna need you to come over, we're gonna do a b/e!!" " No!! No, whatever you're thinking of doing, Sasuke, no!! Nooooo..." " Dude, either you come over, or our freakin' friendship is over!! And don't expect me to see you when we die either!! Come over now!!" He then hung up the phone. Within a few minutes, They then continued through the houses of Konoha, looking for a good house to strike. Just then, however, Naruto stopped staggering. It appeared that he caught his jacket on a trunk, and when he tried to get it off, he ripped it. " Aw, man!! That was my favorite jacket!!" Sasuke then hit Naruto over the head. " Baka!! You're not supposed to bring your favorite jacket to a b/e!!! Wear your second favorite jacket!! Freakin' dunce." They continued while Naruto cried chibi tears. ( Sasuke!! Leave my bro alone!!!!) ( I consider Naruto my brother.) Just then, they looked into the streets, and saw the perfect house:

Asuma and Kurenai's house.

They were just a few steps away from the door, when Naruto said. " Wait, Sasuke!!! I hear a jutsu going on!!!" Sasuke then sighed. " Yeah, Naruto, there are jutsu all over the world!! You'll be hearing them all your life!!" Sasuke started. " If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that crap, then i'll stop." ( Sorry Dane, but I couldn't think of anything else other than the whale for Naruto.) They were just a few feet from the door now. Sasuke was sweating like crazy. He started doubting himself, thinking this was too dangerous. Just then, however, he yelled, " I GOT IT!!" and hit the door with a chidori. He was so excited, that he used chidori on the hall closet also. He then walked into the house, seeing if there's anything good to steal. Just then however, he found out one thing, just as he walked a few steps.

He didn't want to do a b/e.

He just wanted to use chidori on a door. He then walked up to Naruto. " Hey, let's get out of here." Naruto looked excited. " Yeah!! Yeah!!" As soon as they left, Kurenai and Asuma ( they're married now.) came up to the door, only to see that it was torn down. They slowly walked up to it, husband, wife, adopted son David, and, as usual, Asuma got overprotective. " Wait guys! Wait here!! I SAID WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!!!!" Asume was beyond ticked. " He tore the freakin' door down!! That costed me 1200 ryo!! And look, he even tore down the closet door!! There isn't even a lock on that!!!" They then continued searching the house, looking around with only one thought: What the crap did they take?! Asuma was getting impatient. " I want to know what they took!!! And Kurenai, if we don't find out, I want a divorce!!! I **want **a divorce!!" Kurenai then spotted something on the floor. " Well, it doesn't seem like there's anything missing, but there's now a Uchiha symbol." They never did figure it out. Throughout the months, Sasuke used chidori on the front door, over and over. One night, Asuma was like. " THAT'S THE SEVENTH FREAKIN' DOOR THIS MONTH!!!" He then tried to screw with the two intruders by setting up beads along the door. Now, not only did Sasuke use Chidori on the door, but he also took the beads. When Asuma got back, he was furious. " HE TOOK THE BEADS!! HE TOOK THE FREAKIN' BEADS!!!" " Kurenai sighed. " Well, at least they took something now. Asuma then went crazy. " I BET THEY'RE WATCHING US NOW!!! HEY DOORKILLER!! ARE YOU WATCHING?! SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO MY LIFE?! AAAAAUUUUUGGGHHH!!! I WANNA DIVORCE BECAUSE OF YOU!!! ( sob.) I DID MY BEST!!!! I DID MY FREAKIN' BEST!!!!" He continued to sob as Kurenai put her hand on his shoulder. " Asuma, calm down." Asuma, however, shook her hand off. " DON'T YOU FREAKIN' TOUCH ME!! I DID MY BEST!!! I DID MY BEST!!! I DID MY BEST!!!!" From that day on, Asuma always left the house with the alarm on.


	2. Brian Regan: Stupid in School

MS: Hey people, MS here!! Hey, ever since I made the Dane Cook, Naruto style story, a lot of people liked it, and even demanded a sequel. So, after TWO YEARS of total lazyness, earning money, and all-out going crazy, here ya go. This one, however, is centered around the comedian Brian Regan. Hope you enjoy!! Also, the jokes and Naruto belong to Brian Regan and Masashi Kishimoto/Shonen Jump respectively.

"RING! RING! RING! RING! RI—(smash!)!!"

"(sigh), yet another broken alarm clock."

Naruto got up from his bed and yawned as loud as he could. After that, the teen blond got up and went to the kitchen part of his house-er, apartment (the village bastards). "Alright, time for ramen!!!" Naruto yelled as he opened the cabinets to get ramen!

Oops, too bad, there's no ramen.

"…………….." Naruto nearly fell into the fetal position from the lack of ramen. "….no ramen…..no ramen……no ramen…..HOW WILL I SURVIVE?!" Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto spotted a small blue box. He walked over to it, grabbed it, and examined it. "….'Pop Tarts'……what the heck is a pop tart? Well, looks like food, so I'm up for it. He walked over to the toaster, pretty sure that these things were for putting into the toaster.

However, as he got over there, he spotted something on the box. "Instructions? Why do I need instructions to toast something?! I dunno. Well, might as well humor them." He took out a packet, and looked at the box. "Step one: Open packet……….." Naruto looked at the packet incredulously? '_Are you serious?!'_

"Oh, gee, what am I supposed to do with this piece of plastic?! Hmm, should I stick it up the fire escape? No, uh, throw it out the window? Uh, ah! The instructions say to open it!! Thank you box!! I would never have known that!"

Naruto scoffed as he opened the packet. "Geez, they take us for freakin' idiots." Once he took the poptarts out (which were wildberry, if you wanted to know), he looked at the box again. "Step 2: Put in toaster………………REALLY? Oh, I thought I was supposed to stick it up the fireplace, or up in my ears, nose, mouth, or other places I don't wanna talk about! This box is really informative!!"

Sighing, Naruto put the poptarts into the toaster. "Alright, uh…..step 3: turn toaster on…….okay, you know what? I'm done pretending, I'm just gonna get breakfast." Naruto then put them in and went to watch tv. After the poptarts popped up, he got them, put one in his mouth, immediately spit it out, while yelling repeatedly, "SHIT! HOT! HOT! HOT!", cooled them off, ate them again, went out the door, and straight to the academy.

(at the academy)

Naruto sat as his desk as everyone was talking during the home room period. Everyone stopped, however, as they heard their sensei, Mizuki, come through the door. He then walked up to the desk, and slammed his hands on it. "Alright class, line up against the wall! Spelling bee! In other words, 'Public humiliation!' Shikamaru raised his hand. "Uh, how can spelling relate to the art of the ninja in any way?" Shikamaru's answer was a kunai embedded a few inches near him. "Because I said so, now UP AGAINST THE WALL!!!!!"

All of the students immediately lined up against the wall, with Shikamaru first. "Alright then, pineapple head (why are they called pineapples anyway? They have nothing to do with apples, aside from being fruit. Uh oh, disrupting the story. Sorry!), here's the word: fish." Shikamaru just looked at him, a bit scared. "Uh, F-I-S-H?" There was a pause, until Mizuki yelled, "Congradulations, you spelled correctly!!" Shikamaru looked relieved. "Cool. What do I get?"

"You get a seat for being too smart. Now sit down." Mizuki said to a stunned Shikamaru. "B-but I-" "I SAID SIT DOWN!!!!" Shikamaru immediately sat down on his seat, nearly soiling himself. "Good." Mizuki said as he turned to the rest. Next up happened to be Kiba. "Alright then, dog-boy, spell cat." Kiba growled at the mention of such an animal, then smirked. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." He said, leaving a fuming Mizuki. As he passed Naruto, he snickered and said, "Haha, I know there's two t's!" as he and Naruto high-fived.

Mizuki then smiled evilly as he looked at Naruto. "Naruto! What's the I before E rule?" Naruto sweatdropped as he thought hard for a second. "Uh….I before E…always?" Naruto said as the class broke in an uproar of laughter with Mizuki scolding him.

"Naruto, are you an idiot or something?" Naruto smiled at his sensei. "Apparently!!"

"No Naruto. It goes like this: I before E, except after C, and when sounding like A, in a neighborly way, and on weekends and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll never get this right, no matter WHAT YOU SAY!!", Mizuki suddenly shouted, making the entire class jump. "_I'm supposed to memorize that?!_" Naruto thought. "Alright then, how do you make a word plural?" Naruto was thinking hard, once again. "Uh, you add an S?" Naruto asked.

"Okay, you add an S, when exactly?" Mizuki asked. "_Come on, you bastard! Have some sympathy!_" Naruto thought angrily. "Uh….ON WEEKENDS AND HOLIDAYS!!!"

(cue laughing class)

Mizuki facepalmed. "No Naruto. Hold on. Sasuke! What's the plural for ox?" Sasuke stood up. "Oxen. The farmer raised his oxen." He turned to Naruto, giving him an evil smirk while hearing cheers from his fangirls. "Correct. Naruto!" Naruto's eyes were tearing up. "Whahahat?!"

"What's the plural for boxen?" Mizuki asked. Naruto was really getting pissed off right now, and tried to pull off the move Kiba did. "Boxen. I got two boxen of donuts." Naruto said as everyone laughed at him when he tried to take a seat, yet Mizuki blocked him. "**NO.** Sasuke, what's the plural for goose?"

Sasuke stood up again. "Geese. I saw a flock of geese." Sasuke rubbed it in, girls cheered, same results. "Naruto!!"

Naruto was now having small tears pour down his eyes. "WHAHAHAT!!!" Naruto asked. "What's the plural for moose?" Mizuki asked. Naruto was about to answer until he heard someone say something about him, involving the terms for not being too bright, and involving someone's rear area. (you should know what they mean)

(Sfeet!!!!!)

(that right there was Naruto's sanity string, and it tore)

Naruto had it. He planted his feet into the ground, and shouted, "MOOSEN!!!! I SAW A FLOCK OF MOOSEN!! MANY OF THEM, MANY MUCH MOOSEN!! OUT IN THE WOODS, IN THE WOODIZ, IN THE WOODIZIT!! THE MEESE WANT FOOD!! FOOD IS TO EATINIZIT!! THE MEESE WANT FOOD IN THE WOODINIZIT!! THE MEESE WANT FOOD IN THE WOODINIZIT!!"

Everyone now had a 'WTF' look on their faces. "Naruto!!" Mizuki shouted. "….you're an imbecile."

Naruto turned to him defiantly. "Imbeculin." Mizuki looked at him incredulously. "What, are you German, Naruto?" he asked, leaving many students asking what's a German (remember, different dimension)

Naruto once again got on his rampage. "German, german, ger-Germaine, Germaine Jackson!! Jackson five tito!!!!!!"

Mizuki stopped him. "Naruto, what the hell are you talking about?!"

"Uh, I don't know."

The class was dismissed early that day for unexpected events.

MS: How was that? Well, I was thinking of adding the segment with the Science Fair, but considering how tired I am, I thought, 'another time, another day.' So watch out. I may put up one about the science fair. Well, c'ya!!


End file.
